Our wonderful weekend came to a screeching halt at 2:45 this morning when Eli decided to stop sleeping. So, if there are a few typos in this post, please forgive me. I think you'll understand that going on four and a half hours of sleep can lead to mistakes.
The truth is, I'm at whits end. REALLY!! Eli turned 20 months old yesterday and he still won't sleep. It's unbearable. I think exhaustion is too light of a word to describe it, but I haven't found one in the English language any better.
Satan has a way of letting all of the exhausting, all the insecurities, all of the frustrations I have ever felt snowball until they suffocate me. Take your every failure, your every fear, your every frustration, every sleepless night and multiply it by a thousand and that is how I feel right now.
Even when Eric gets up to relieve me, I lie in bed just pray and praying for peace, for relief, for sleep. An hour later when my sweet husband comes back to bed and wraps his arms around me, I lie awake in utter turmoil until finally I admit defeat and get up to take my morning shower. Let me tell you, no amount of scrubbing can take away a night like that.
I know this is a small thing. There are millions of women suffering with infertility who's arms ache to hold a baby. There are women who have had their children proceed them into to heaven and lie awake at night asking God, "why?" There are women who cradle their sick children and would gladly stay away all night just to make sure they are breathing. Yes, there are worse things that a toddler not sleeping. Which brings me to guilt.
So, here I sit an exhausted, stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed mess of a momma feeling guilty over my state. Dang Satan, back off.
I question my ability to be a mother. Seriously, who can't get their child to sleep? Maybe it's best for everyone if Eli remains an only child. That's not what I want, but maybe I'm just not cut out for this. What am I doing so wrong? Oh, the agony of insecurities!!
Please don't tell me you understand because chances are you don't. Even if your child never slept, you likely didn't have to be at work at 5:00 am. And if you fit that bill, you probably didn't have to wake up an entire city on television looking like a put together professional and feeling yet even more guilt for living a lie.
So, if you have made it this far. Please, just pray for me. Pray for rest in our home. Pray for the Creator of my baby to show me how to get sleep for him and me. Pray for peace and joy in a time when depression is an all too common term for me. Please, just pray.