Feel free to skip over this, I'm just posting so I'll never forget how terribly exhausting this season of my life is. It's 3:18 and I've been up since 1:16. Eric took the first hour with Eli, but I couldn't sleep, so I took the second.
He's asleep in my bed...DEFEAT...I was never going to put him there. I'm beyond crushed. I've failed at teaching my son to sleep. It's a basic of life. If I can't teach him something so fundamental how will I ever teach him to share, to ride a bike, to pray?
This has got to end before I completely lose my mind. In less than two hours I'll be up for the day. I'll go to work and try to pull it together. I'll attempt to go to the gym and get groceries. I'll come home and play with a sweet little boy and about 5:00 this evening I'll get that familiar knot in my stomach. The one I get every night at bedtime wondering how long I'll get to rest before this vicious cycle repeats. The knot that reminds me of my failure as a mom. The knot that cause physical pain in my stomach from anxiety.
Then I'll head off to bed, doze off immediately from utter and total exhaustion, but I'll never really enter real sleep because I'll be restless with the anxiety of failure and wondering when this horrid cycle will repeat.
Tomorrow I am calling the doctor again. If I don't get answers I'll try one more sleep specialist and he/she (like the others) tell me I am doing everything right, then I'll do everything wrong. I'll drop the schedule...I HATE it anyway. I'll let him eat junk all day and sleep with us all night.
And hopefully I'll be a little less crazy. Who knows! I'm ranting now, so good-night!!