Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Round Number 3

Feel free to skip over this, I'm just posting so I'll never forget how terribly exhausting this season of my life is. It's 3:18 and I've been up since 1:16. Eric took the first hour with Eli, but I couldn't sleep, so I took the second.

He's asleep in my bed...DEFEAT...I was never going to put him there. I'm beyond crushed. I've failed at teaching my son to sleep. It's a basic of life. If I can't teach him something so fundamental how will I ever teach him to share, to ride a bike, to pray?

This has got to end before I completely lose my mind. In less than two hours I'll be up for the day. I'll go to work and try to pull it together. I'll attempt to go to the gym and get groceries. I'll come home and play with a sweet little boy and about 5:00 this evening I'll get that familiar knot in my stomach. The one I get every night at bedtime wondering how long I'll get to rest before this vicious cycle repeats. The knot that reminds me of my failure as a mom. The knot that cause physical pain in my stomach from anxiety.

Then I'll head off to bed, doze off immediately from utter and total exhaustion, but I'll never really enter real sleep because I'll be restless with the anxiety of failure and wondering when this horrid cycle will repeat.

It's suffocating...really.

Tomorrow I am calling the doctor again. If I don't get answers I'll try one more sleep specialist and he/she (like the others) tell me I am doing everything right, then I'll do everything wrong. I'll drop the schedule...I HATE it anyway. I'll let him eat junk all day and sleep with us all night.

And hopefully I'll be a little less crazy. Who knows! I'm ranting now, so good-night!!

2 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for this hard time! You have not failed. There are some things you must teach him as his Mom, but there are others that we are made to do. Sleep is one of them. Poor little Eli obviously has something going on that is really keeping him for doing this basic built in part of our day. It is NOT YOUR FAULT!!

    I know that doesnt help you get any more sleep, but maybe emotionally it will take a load off. I am praying someone has some answers for you!!!

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  2. I'll say a little prayer for you dear..and for Eli too. This is something he must learn to do..and you are right to consult someone to give you guidance. If a doctor doesn't give you satisfactory answers..keep looking. You need someone who will be honest with you and help you and Eric get thru this tough time with Eli.

    Take one small word of advice...please avoid co-sleeping if at all possible. It may look like an answer in the short term, but in the long term it can prove to be a horrible habit that is more difficult to break than what is happening now. You and Eric need that space for your own...and like it or not, it does not include Eli. The sooner he learns it..the better.

    Dig in and make some phone calls...see what you can find out to help this adorable little fellow learn this life lesson. I'll pray for you...and keep my fingers crossed too! Love you Morgan!

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