Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A New Day

I'm going sappy on you today. The past two years have been the most challenging of my life which is gut wrenching to say because they should have been the happiest after welcoming a son into our lives. I want to be very clear about this. I love Eli more than I ever knew was humanly possible. He is among the greatest blessings the Lord has ever bestowed on me, and I stand in awe that after ten years of infertility and disease I was chosen to be his mother.

However, no amount of love could have prepared me for the reality of sleep deprivation. I am blessed to have a life so wonderful that sleep issues are my main concern, and although I feel guilty for being so wrapped up with this issue, I just am. I am fixated and obsessed with sleep or the lack thereof. It is undoubtedly a major stronghold in my life.

I walk a thin line battling depression with these sleepless episodes, and I have come into dangerous territory by being angry with God for my lack of sleep. Why would I question the one who graciously gave me so much?

I am so over it all! I'm moving on. I have had the council of several older and wiser women who encourage me to let go of that which I can not control. I admit right here and right now that I failed at my attempt to get Eli to sleep, BUT that doesn't not mean that I have failed as a mother. It's one thing in the big picture of Eli's life, and he will eventually sleep. Part of being wise is knowing when to move on, and that is exactly what I am doing. It is not an issue that is a behavioral problem, it is not hindering his knowledge of Christ, it is not worth another tear. My son is happy, healthy, beautiful and it's time to move on!

Part of this healing process and the point of this post, is the role Eric has played. Eric is the most patient person I have ever known. He is laid back and has a God-given ability to represent peace and serenity in our home. He is so wise in choosing his battles, and has shown me how to "let go." This situation is no different. As I have battled anxiety and depression over our sleepless nights, he has not. It used to make me madder than an old, wet hen but now I greatly respect his wisdom.

He understands that it's not as easy for me and is fine to let me rant and rave, sob and cry. He somehow knows when to intervene as he did Sunday night in staying up with Eli, so I could rest. He really is such a rock.

I will never understand his ability to ignore a messy room, yet it amazes me that he can get the bathtubs and kitchen cleaner than could ever possibly manage. I'll never understand how he can step over a pile of laundry without flinching but iron the best looking shirts I've seen. Don't you see, he gets it!! He knows that a pile of laundry and a messy room are less important than spending time with me and Eli. It's not that he doesn't want to fix them, because he can and will. It's that he makes other things a priority. I admire that wisdom more than I despise a messy room...ha!

The point is Eric is so wise and so faithful in serving our God. I love that he's never judged my meltdowns and doesn't think I'm crazy when I'm sobbing my eyes out. I love that despite his patience with my meltdowns, he doesn't baby me. It's like he's thinking, "I'll let her have her moment, but I won't reward it with unnecessary attention." HA! Sounds like my approach at temper-tantrums with Eli.

I could go on for days telling you how wonderful my husband is, but I'll stop here and say that without him I would have gone mad these two years. Because of his Godly example and wise leadership in our family, I am ready to move on. He is the one God so wisely chose for me, and I just want to thank him for letting me have my moments and for helping me move on.

Here to a new day!!

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