Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Where I am

Ya'll, tomorrow I will be 27 weeks pregnant, and it hit me that means less the 12 weeks until this precious girl arrives.  No, I didn't do my math wrong.  I am having a repeat c-section.  Anyway, this realization left my head spinning.

It's so funny with your second child because you really do let things slip.  I could have told you at any moment what chapter I was reading in the book "What To Expect When You're Expecting."  Tonight I had to hunt down my copy only to realize that I hadn't read it in over a month.  At this point with Eli, I had purchased most major items, I had the bedroom cleaned out, and all the baby clothes washed and put away.  This time I'm hoping to find all the big items in the attic when I go to drag them out.    Ellie's bedroom is still red and busting with toys, and her clothes are thrown on the floor of the closet.  I haven't picked out a coming home outfit, or had anything monogrammed or even made plans for hospital arrangements.

 I haven't even allowed myself to think about getting ready for Ellie. I wanted to get through the holidays before I added that to my plate.  I know it's the last Christmas as a family of three, and I just don't want any distractions.  I'm soaking it all in.

For the past six and a half months I have prayed daily about the transition phase for our family.  I know there will be growing pains, but I'm clinging to the hope that we won't go into full cardiac arrest like we did with Eli.

I have spent the past few months updating our routines like suppertime, bedtime, chore schedule ect.  My hope is to allow Eli time to adapt to the changes before Ellie arrives.  With him we were used to sleeping late, eating whenever we chose, coming and going as we pleased and so on.  You can imagine that we were just blindsided when we had to stay up all night, define a routine, and balance new responsibilities  I know our schedules will be somewhat tweaked once Ellie comes, but at least we have a solid routine on which to build.

So for the first time tonight I am letting it all sink in.  I get a knot in my stomach thinking about the moments away from Eric when I'm getting my spinal.  Every time he grabs my hand I go back to the delivery room and am reminded of how tender those moments were.

I'm starting to get anxious about postpartum depression.  My new doctor knows my history and is keeping a close eye on the matter, but I can physically feel my heart beat faster just thinking about going through it again.

Of course the whole sleep deprivation is fresh in my mind.  We actually made the decision to use daycare with Ellie instead of a private sitter.  Our rationale for this added expense was to allow me time to sleep in the afternoons in case she is as terrible in that area as her brother was.

But more than routines and sleep patterns, my heart has been torn for Eli.  I know that having a sibling is a wonderful blessing from the Lord.  As the oldest in my own family, I know that he will never remember life without a sister.  Yet, I find myself just cuddling up a little longer at night with this blonde boy, reading an extra book or two, and just watching his every move. I catch myself thinking that this will be the last time we__________ before he becomes a sibling.

As I daydream about holding this sweet girl in my arms for the first time, I can't help up wonder what it will be like for Eli when Mommy gets rolled away to surgery.  I imagine that last night home as a family of three.  The first time around, I had no idea when I would go into labor.  This time I'll know it's my last time to eat dinner, or snuggle up in bed, or play cars or whatever. That's just kinda hard for me.

So, I'm pushing all of that to the back burner because I know that when I read this post a year from now I'll laugh at the absurdity of it all.  I will love sweet Ellie just as much as I love Eli, and I will marvel at the completion she brings to our family.

Until then, I am soaking up all the memories I can with Eli because this season is all too fleeting!

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