I'm not really sure how to start this post because I don't want to throw a pity party or risk being overly dramatic. However, I do want to document my feelings on life right now. I guess you guys reading these semi private thoughts is a hazard of having a public blog. Please, feel free to skip this one.
Life. Life right now is tiring. It's not hard. It's not overly stressful. It's just...draining. This has undoubtedly been a blessed year for Eric and I. We celebrated five years of marriage, watched Eli come into his own more and more, and we welcomed a precious daughter into our family.
However, sprinkled into the happy moments have been tough times - among them losing my grandfather, dealing with unexpected medical expenses and dumping way too much money into our van. In some ways I wish I could say this had either been a good year or it had been a bad year. It's been neither. What it has been...draining.
Physically, I am exhausted. We've hit a rough sleeping spell this week with both kids (as in I get 3 hours of broken sleep a night) That's not why I'm tired. This will pass. I'm tired because despite being a decent sleeper, Ellie is still up at least once a night. I'm tired because I'm a working mom. Do I really need to say more? I'm tired because despite losing all of my pregnancy weight before returning to work, I have since packed it all back on which means my body is sluggish. I'm tired because when you get down to it, I haven't slept through the night in four years, four months and one day. But who's counting? I'm tired.
Emotionally I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to balance all the responsibilities in my life. I'm tired of trying to stay caught up on the cleaning, the laundry, the cooking, and the bathing dirty children. I'm tired of trying to balance a budget that keeps getting thrown out the window due to unexpected expenses. I'm tired of being in a cycle poor body image. I'm tired of correcting (in love) the same behavior problem repeatedly. I'm just tired.
I'm tired, but that's life isn't it? Ten years ago finals had me tired. Five years ago learning to be a good wife had me drained. Two years ago depression had me desperately seeking rest. Those things seem so small now, so I know this too will pass.
I am reminded that Jesus says we can come to him when we are weary and he will give us rest. I'm clinging to that promise. Because, like this year - life is neither good nor bad. It's a journey full of precious moments and difficult circumstances. You can't have one without the other. What you can have is grace for the day. Joy in the midst of chaos, and hope in a better tomorrow. That's where I am right now...hoping for the rest that is promised to us. It will come, and until it does, I will chose joy.