When I Leave The Room

I'm not a fan of bedtime.  By 8:30 I'm just done with the day.  I'm over it.  Good, bad, whatever, I'm done.  I lay with Eli every night until he falls asleep.  It's a habit that started when he was a no sleeping baby. I was depressed and the more I fought him to sleep the more worked up we both got.  Our doctors (his AND mine)  suggested I lay with him until he drifted off because it would be more soothing for both of us.  It worked.  

Over the years I have had a love/hate relationship with this bedtime ritual.  I love our talks, our stories, our snuggles.  I hate that I almost always fall asleep too.  I hate that it takes away from my time with Eric.  I hate that what was once twenty minutes has turned into an hour because Eli just has a hard time falling asleep.  I hate that it's a habit that needs to be broken as we begin to transition from the preschool years to the school years...interject muffled sobs.  

We're trying, and I don't know how to feel about that.  Yes, he needs this independence.  Yes, I get frustrated that he can lie as still as a board and then spring up the minute I move from the bed.  Yes, I hate that I started this habit.  But you know what,  I am going to miss it like crazy because there is such a tenderness there.  There is a memory there that only he and I shared.  

I'll never know this with Ellie because that's not how she and I do things.  She and I rock.  We sing, I pray.  She sleeps.  Despite being such a contrast from my routine with Eli, these times with my girl are still precious.  And yet, each night I find myself playing on my phone, distracted by the chores that still need finished, and rushing through the whole bedtime routine.  

We're in a time of transition.  Eli is learning to fall asleep without me, and Ellie is getting so she doesn't always want to be rocked.  Even though this is natural; even though this is what I wanted, it is still so sad to me.  That's why I wanted to share with you this song I stumbled across by Natalie Grant.

"When I Leave The Room"

Good night
Looks like we made it through the day
The moon sighs
And I know that we're okay

Sleep tight
I love to watch you drift away
I would come with you but on my knees I'll stay

Good night
Five little fingers holding mine
Take flight
Into your dreams and lullabies
There's nothing more that I can do
But just fall more in love with you
And ask the angel armies to stand by
When I leave the room

I'm gonna fail you
I already have
Ten thousand times
I will fall down flat

You'll have a seat in the front row
Of everything I don't know
And all I'm trying to be
You'll see

I'm gonna fail you
I already have
Ten thousand times
I will fall down flat

You'll have a seat in the front row
Of everything I don't know
And all I'm trying to be
You'll see

Good night
There will be storms that we come through
In time
We will slay dragons me and you

I'll always wanna hold you tight
Keep you safe with all my might
So I will leave Jesus next to you
When I leave the room

And you will run ahead
As if you know the way
And I will pray more
Then one should have to pray

There will be words we can't take back
Silences too
And I'll be on my knees
You'll see

One night
When I am old and unsteady
You'll want me to fight
But I'll tell you that I'm ready

When there's nothing left to do
I will still be loving you
Then you'll fold your fingers into mine
And I will let Jesus hold you tight
When I leave the room